Why am i so emotionless (a lost of tex)?

My whole life I've never been able to speak up for myself, I always suffer in silence and I put everyone else before me. I'm 17, 10/29/08 my best friend killed himself, and idk why but it didn't really affect me emotionally at all(I never talked to anyone about it). A couple weeks ago I moved from Michigan to Tennessee to get away from my mom and her boyfriend, and live with my grandma. My grandma told me that I'd have my own room and everything like that, but she didn't mention that it was in the house that had no electricity, but because my "guardian" is having a fight with my cousin (he stays in the house that doesn't have electricity) that has been going on since the day after i moved here, I'm forced to stay in the main house with no bedroom, i literally live in the living room, I have absolutely no privacy and I'm constantly being put in the middle of my aunt and cousin's feud. my 47 year old meth addicted aunt has guardianship of me, which is horrible because she has no clue what's she's doing, she has never had a kid. And she's more inmature then me. I'm not aloud to leave this house at all, which is horrible because I have absolutely no one my age to chill with, and nothing to do. all i have is cable (I don't really like T.V.) and internet that works occasionally (the town i live in gets free wi-fi but it sucks). I get to chill with my cousin sometimes, he's 23, not too much older then me but he's constantly being a , he has some remark to say every time I talk, I know he doesn't mean it but sometimes it really gets to me. When i was 13 my stepdad (my dad ditched out on me before i was born and i have no clue who he is(and that doesn't affect me emotionally either) and my stepdad got with my mom before i was 1 so he was always like my real dad) got addicted to meth and started getting really aggresive,he was constantly yelling at everyone and breaking everying and he threatened to kill us several times, my mom finally ended up divourcing him and that didn't affect me either. Not even a year after that my mom ended up getting with some hole who was constantly being a to me just for his entertainment. she then had a kid with him even tho we were already struggleing with money. and none of that affected me either . About 6 months ago I started thinking about killing myself, which really confuses me because compared to alot of people my life is good, and at first i didn't think anything of it but it was constantly getting worse, about 4 months ago I started cutting and once again I have no clue why, I don't want to and I've tried to stop several times. I just randomly get urges to do it and the more i ignore it the worse it gets and the the longer i wait the deeper i end up cutting, so I guess I do have emotions but... well I can't really feel them. and also I remember almost nothing that happened in my life past age 14 but from what I've been told all of my cousins and my sister and step brother were constantly making me miserable. When ever someone ask me to list good qualities about myself i freeze because I can't think of any, I'm constantly getting compliments from people about my looks, personality, and intelligence but when ever I look in the mirror all I see is an ugly, worthless, stupid piece of ****. I have a lot of people that i chill with, but no real friends. I've had 3 good friends in my life, 2 turned out to be backstabbing ***holes who were just using me and the other killed himself. I've had a few girlfriends but i didn't love any of them, I've actually never loved anyone, not even family, and that really disturbs me. I've had one person in my life that actually cared about me and tried to look out for me, my cousin, he was shot in the head twice in a drug deal gone wrong 3 years ago. He was addicted to heroin but he was still a good person and he looked out for me, he tried to make sure that I would never make the same mistakes as him, honestly that's the only thing stopping me from turning to drugs, i know my cousin would be crushed. last year i spent 2 months in juvie because my mom called the cops and said that i threatened to kill her even though i could never threaten to kill someone, and then told me that i got what i had coming because i did bad in school even tho i tried my hardest i just could never concentrate on anything longer then 2 minutes. I've been like that my whole life and when i was going to school it made my life hell because of all the trouble i'd get in at home for failing cles. there were a few years in my life where i was really bad with my mom, constantly flipping out and cussing her out, I finally got it under controll last year but she still constantly throws it in my face and acts like I'm a horrible person even though i hated myself after every fight i got in with her. I've had a couple therapist, and I've been in an anxiety counselling group and idk why but i could never tell them about wanting to kill myself and cutting, i re